Children, Animals, Cell Phones

And other distractions / disruptions are inappropriate at meetings

The How It Works Group wants common sense, common decency, and respect for others to guide the conduct of its meetings. We neither lay down laws nor set any rules, recognizing that we are all here for the purpose of seeking an answer to our common problem.

We can count on most members to pay attention, or at least remain respectfully quiet as the meeting progresses, because they want to hear and learn from the experiences and insights being shared by others. It is in the spirit ofmutual respect that members are asked to silence their cell phones and are encouraged not to bring children or pets to the meeting. The rationale for the suggestion that pets be left at home and that cell phones are turned off or set to silent mode is obvious. This avoids the distraction inevitably caused to the owners and the other members in attendance. The rationale as it applies to children requires additional explanation.

Many of our members are parents of young children. We all recognize the demands on one's time that comes with parental responsibilities. These demands and responsibilities, however, should not prevent the parents from seeking help to recover from alcoholism. Thus, at one time, mothers and fathers brought their children to the How It Works Group meetings. Inevitably, however, both the parents and the group suffered because of the distractions. Some disruptions were to be expected, the result of the ill-conceived notion that children would always be on their best behavior and/or that they could sit quietly for an hour at a time. Setting aside a separate room for the children provided little or no relief from such problems. Either the children or the parents were moving back and forth between the meeting room and the children's room.

 Other problems were more subtle, including the fact that some members and newcomers were reluctant to speak freely about their alcoholism and experiences in front of the children. One member, for example, had been sent to the meeting by a judge. After a short time, he refused to go to How It Works Group meetings because of the children. As he put it, "I may have been sentenced to meetings, but I wasn't sentenced to nursery school." Another member involved in a child abuse situation had been ordered by the court to stay away from children and through no fault of his own found himself in an untenable situation.

Initially, members with long-term sobriety recognized the problem and spoke to the parents privately. Although some of the parents were responsive and found ways to attend the meetings without bringing their children, others were not able or willing to find alternatives. Consequently, the problem continued and ultimately became the subject of open discussion in the meetings. The controversy blossomed into a full-scale debate. The group was divided on the issue and unity faded away. The net result was that rather than presenting newcomers with a unified message and the solution to their alcoholism, the answer was being lost in the continuous controversy.

There was also evidence that the group was suffering financially, as many members became discouraged. They felt they could no longer support a club room that was characterized by infighting among its members, rather than presenting a unified answer to the newcomer.

At that time, a Group Conscience meeting was held with the primary discussion focused on the issue of children attending the meetings. After several hours of long discussion, it became apparent that the group wanted to restrict or limit attendance by children. However, the Group Conscience was equally clear that no rule could be made that would strictly prevent attendance or would bar anyone from attending the meetings. The Group Conscience that emerged suggested that individual members either had to sacrifice their ideas of right and wrong for the benefit of the group or both the individual and the group would suffer spiritually.

One member, who was at the center of the controversy, became unusually agitated and for that reason, perhaps, had the obsession to drink return. Having struggled with the obsession for several months, this individual came to see the selfishness in continuing a personal crusade. She came to recognize that anyone who sought help for their alcoholism, even those who, for whatever reason, are not allowed around children, should be welcome to attend the How It Works Group and meetings. In the spirit of reconciliation, the member returned and became accepting to the suggestion that children are not brought to meetings.

Once children were no longer attending meetings, some interesting things began to occur. Members who had remained above the fray and considered the issue of little importance came to express gratitude for the absence of the minor disruptions. Virtually everyone acknowledged how much freer members seemed to be in discussing their problems. As a result, the consensus was that with fewer distractions, newcomers walking through the front door would have a better chance of "hearing the message" and therefore have a better chance of remaining sober.

 It was important for all of us to learn that there are no "Special" or "Privileged" alcoholics in the How It Works Group. We should always be hard on ourselves and easy on others. Along with that, however, comes the recognition that we should take care of our own responsibilities and not "put them" on the club room or other members.